A cavernous vagina

I was talking to my friend, Bitching Broad, about a guy she recently met. "He's really nice, he's cute, and I think we would be great together even though I don't know him that well," She confided.

"Nice! You should flirt with him more." I couldn't wait for her to get some action on the off-chance that it would make her more happy. Or at least distract her from bitching to me about every detail of her life.

"Well, I don't know. I mean, he's Irish," she said with a meaningful look.

This did not make sense to me. From her tone, I could tell that she had something against the Irish. But I had always assumed Irish was good, what with the gorgeous accents and all. "So?"

"Well... you know what they say about Irish men, right?"

I was very confused now. "They like beer? And you're not okay with it?"

"No. You haven't heard this, seriously? I heard that Irish men have small penises."

I laughed. "Really? Because they don't." In my sex psychology class, we learned all about penis size and how race is not a reliable indication of penis size because those generalizations are stereotypes based on socioeconomic hierarchies. I explained this to her, and then reminded her that a small dick wouldn't be the end of the world. Especially since she hadn't even asked him out yet.

"Well, I just can't date a guy with a small dick. It has to be big."

What was this? Bitching Broad, who constantly complains about her lack of game, refuses to date a guy with even an average sized penis? I started yelling at her, but she clarified with a story: apparently her ex-boyfriend, who devirginized her, told her that she couldn't orgasm from her G-spot because her vagina is too big.

"What does he mean, too big?" I asked angrily.

"I don't know. He said it was cavernous."

I internally laughed at this word choice, but had trouble imagining how a vagina could be so vast as to preclude sensation. I had no choice - both as her friend and as a woman in a state of disbelief - but to reject his criticism. "That's not possible."

"Really? Are you sure?"

Since I couldn't picture how this cavernous vagina deal would work, I told her I was sure. And then wondered... is that possible?

Hunters and gatherers

In my sex psychology class, we were talking about evolutionary psychology and theories of male and female mate selection.

"Evolutionarily, males are more hunting oriented, while women are more gathering oriented."

Yeah, I get it. In hunter-gatherer society predating Western civilization, men were the hunters. Woman gathered.

But let's take that theory to the bar. When at a bar, I suppose the theory is that a woman sits around waiting for the man to drop by and "hunt" her (hit on, offer a drink, or otherwise harrass). But I wouldn't say that I really gather the men. I might take a survey of the selection, yes. But isn't that in itself hunting? I mean, you're narrowing down your prey. And don't men do the same? Or do they spot the weakest one and pounce?

Guys, what do you do at the bars? How does it compare to hunting?

Ladies... would you say you "gather"?

Because I know you are more interesting than I

So not that I'm writing a screenplay or anything... not that I'm in a screenwriting class... not that I'm a writer at all, really...

But...

If I was writing a screenplay, and the topic happened to be dating, and I needed to do research...

Fuck it.

Hey guys, I'm in a screenwriting class, and I'm writing a script about dating. Specifically, Internet dating (think Match.com, not cybersex). If you have any stories for me about dates you've been on (particularly the bad ones), I would love to hear them. If you have any stories about Internet dating in general, I would also be delighted. If it's too long or too... um... detailed, email me at tabtheblog@gmail.com.

Detail is key. What makes the date memorable? Why did it work or not work? I do want to hear your thoughts about why a date in general works, but I also want specifics. Mostly, I want funny stories. This post, for example, would be perfect. First dates and your thoughts on them would be great. And, if you feel compelled to make up an imaginary date because you want to fool me or impress me with your witty imagination, go ahead. I want that too. If you want to send me your online dating profile and ask me out...

I'll think about it.


Oh. My next post will be about an awkward date I went on. I was going to bribe you with pictures of me, but I'm a wimp.

Sex education

Every Wednesday during my psychology lecture about sex, there is a flamenco dance class in the studio next door. Today, while we tried to hear our teacher talk about boners, I listened to the rhythmic stomping of the dance class.

I turned to my friend sitting next to me and told her it sounded like sex. She considered and then shrugged, not finding it quite as amusing as I had.

When the tempo increased and the stomping got louder, I gave her a meaningful look.


Oh... yeah, I take a class about sex. And guess what? It's fun to learn about sex! Who would've thought? As I learn more and more about arousal and the penis from a detailed biological perspective, I feel like more of an expert. I then think to myself, "Know your enemy." I then laugh at my own joke. Penises are definitely not the enemy; I have more trouble looking at the diagrams of vulvas than the penises.

My professor is really awesome, and in every class he tells us an anecdote from his personal life. This usually ends with him trailing off and leaving us to our imaginations, which delights me because he usually looks embarrassed. Today he was talking about a woman he dated one summer who wore Coppertone sunscreen all the time, and said that every time he smells Coppertone now, he instantly thinks about sex/intimacy/her. I've never experienced the same thing, but... Has that ever happened to you?

Why heels are sexy

One of the classes I'm taking is a history class about beauty in the United States. Today, someone mentioned high heels and we ended up debating over whether heels are considered necessary in 2007 (compared to the 1940s). I argued that while they are no longer required at the office (not everywhere at least), they are still standard fare in many workplaces and still the footwear of choice when we think of a sexy outfit.

One girl told us about a conversation she had with a bunch of male friends.

Her: "So, why do guys like it when women wear heels so much?"
Guy 1: "Well... honestly? We kind of like that it hurts your feet."
Her: "Seriously?"
Guy 1: "Yeah, that's definitely part of it."
She turns to another guy friend incredulously.
Guy 2: "I have to admit, I agree."

Thoughts?

If you really want to know, just sleep with him

Ladies, have you ever wondered if the guy with whom you're sharing an innocent good time is being sincere? Have you ever thought, "He seems really nice... but is he just trying to get into bed with me?"

Gentlemen, have you ever pretended to be a nice, charming guy so that a woman would sleep with you? ... That was a hypothetical question.

Since this thought often occurs to me, I have to wonder: would it be better to just sleep with a guy so I can find out what he's really like? If he's still a good guy, he's a keeper; if he's an asshole then I find out right away.

PS. Condom donations appreciated.