Sunday, December 24

But everyone celebrates Christmas

My stepdad invited me to attend his very last luncheon before he retires. If we wanted to, we could call it his "retirement luncheon." I showed up with my mom and tried my best to remember all the people who approached me to remind me of the funny story from when I was six. For the most part, I succeeded at feeling guilt-free for not remembering any of them.

I sat at the end of the table with my family and tried to enjoy my half-cold turkey dinner (Thanksgiving = Christmas?). I tried to strike up a conversation with the two women across from me while skillfully avoiding the fact that I didn't know if I had met either of them before. The best we came to a conversation was when I tried to get them to answer a riddle on a card I found on the table. When they didn't know the answer, I tried to get them to guess it invoking the rules of the game catch phrase, which I enjoy immensely. They simply didn't understand what I was doing. Their faces read: "Why isn't she just telling us the answer? We already gave up."

When the band was late in taking the stage, my stepdad took the microphone and announced that we were going to do a talent show. He began by singing "White Christmas." Then a nice lady came over and did a duet of "Silent Night" with him. Then they tried (and failed) to recite "A Visit From St. Nick". Then everyone looked around at each other, not sure what to do. The band was still setting up. People started suggesting more Christmas songs to sing, and I couldn't help but wonder if there were any non-Christians in the room.

"Why don't we sing a non-Christmas holiday song?" I suggested.

One of the ladies from across the way looked at me. "Like what?"

Without suggesting a Hanukkah song, all I could think of was Jingle Bells. That song didn't seem nice enough to represent my idea, so I continued thinking.

The lady still looked confused. "You mean like 'Away in a Manger?'" She asked.

I gave up. "Sure," I said, and went back to eating my stuffing.


Life of the Party said...

hello! the dreidel song is hella tight!

The Ambiguous Blob said...

Thank you, TAB, for thinking of the people like me. I loathe christian music, but a good winter song is rockin. Like- walking in a winter wonderland. I love it, but I also change the words to "walking in my funny underwear".

Charm School Reject said...

I like all Christmas songs but, honestly, the hymns are the best. They make me feel peaceful and really get me into the Christmas spirit, especially, Oh Holy Night. Of course, this is coming from the girl who's favorite Christmas song is "I Want a Hippotamaus for Christmas".

Regardless, kudos to you for trying to inject some variety.

Nancy Drew said...

I have some terribly rudely renditions of traditional christmas songs......

Nancy Drew said...

TAB, doubt that anyone would know these lyrics, but the site is DEFINITELY worth a visit!!!

The Accidental Bitch said...

lotp - That would be a Hannukah song...

ambiguous blob - I always feel like a faker singing religious songs when I never go to church.

charm school reject - I've never heard the hippo one...

nancy drew - Haha I had no idea

Nancy Drew said...

There are tons of rude Christmas songs out there, mostly written by Aussies and soccer teams.

Really filthy stuff, but definitely worth getting to know. One memorable one is from the point of view of the reindeer:

Ho ho f*cking ho
what a crock of sh*t
we all work for Santa Claus
We've had enough
we quit
we do all the f*cking work
and he stars in the show!
shove your Christmas up your *ss
ho ho f*cking ho!
Brainless fat old man
and all those bloody toys
I'll bite him if I can
and all the girls and boys
and that fairy Rudolph
he really gets me down
sucking up to Santa Claus
his nose ain't red it's brown

Oh jingle bells
reindeer smells
working all d*mn day
what a rotten job this is
pulling the g*dd*mn sleigh
Jingle bells
reindeer smells
fighting since we've started
I'll bite this one in front of me
I think the b*stard f*arted

Jazz said...

LMAO! That is to funny! haha.