Tuesday, December 26

There's a reason mom doesn't know

If you followed me here from my last blog, you know that I recently broke up with my boyfriend of three years. The final conversation I had with him, in which I told him I wasn't interested in being his fuck buddy or anything of the sort, happened over the phone while my friend AW was in the room.

At one point during the phone call, my mom walked into the room to tell me goodnight and saw that I was upset. "Are you okay?" She whispered. "No," I said. She made a face and put her hands on her hips, in what appeared to be a huffy-yet-joking manner. I covered the mouthpiece and said "Mom, it's not funny." I then struggled to hold back tears.

AW told my mom that I was on the phone with The Ex, and my mom became more genuinely concerned, leaving the room so that I could continue my call. When I hung up, I had to tell AW what happened. Then I told my dad. Then I told L. Then I blogged about it. Then I told S. I felt kind of bad for not telling my mom why I had shooed her out of the room, but she didn't ask me what happened, so I procrastinated. After a few days, I fooled myself into believing that I would never have to explain it to anyone again if I just avoided the topic.

Then L's mom came to visit us. My mom and her have a polite friendship that grew out of my close friendship with L. The mothers chatted for about an hour while I attempted to entertain L's 10-year-old brother. At the end of the "okay-I'm-really-going-though" portion of our standing in the entryway next to the front door (about 20 minutes), L's mom asked me a few questions about school. Then she asked "How is that boy of yours up in ____?"

"Oh, um... we broke up," I said breezily, then looked awkwardly at my mom. How bad is it to find out about your daughter's big break-up at the same time a distant acquaintance does? Pretty bad, I figured.

L's mom was clearly uncomfortable that her polite question had revealed some personal information. "Oh. Well, you'll be all right, things change. Biiig changes happening, aaaaall the time," she said in an unecessarily comforting tone. (Had I burst into tears? No.)

It was one of those moments when you're required to express both sympathy and optimism even when it's not appropriate. One of those "I'm SOOO sorry your dog died three years ago even though you probably haven't thought about it in a few months and got a new dog."

Shortly after they left, I went out to dinner with my mom and stepdad. After a break in the conversation, my mom turned to me and said "So tell us what happened with The Ex." She sounded excited, as though she was asking about a vacation or first day at a new job.

I delved into the story, starting all the way in October, which was the last she had heard anything about our relationship. I realized how out of the loop she had been compared to my dad who got a phone call every time I had an argument, and felt bad. She was my mother and I never told her anything about my personal life.

Our food arrived during my explanation, so I paused until the waiter left. I felt very awkward resuming the story, but I finished it anyway. After neglecting to tell my mom so much, I wanted to make up for it by telling her the whole story now.

Just as I finished, the waiter returned to ask how our food was. I assured him it was absolutely excellent, looking down at the uneaten bite of fettucine dangling from my fork. The waiter walked away and I took the bite, waiting for a response from my mom.

She turned to my stepdad and said, "You know, I was talking to someone today who still doesn't have their power back on."

And thus I was reminded why I don't tell my mom anything that happens to me.


Crazy Girl City said...

Some moms just can't handle their daughter's personal lives. I was very hush hush about mine when I talked to my mom. Don't get me wrong....we are very close...just not close where we can chat about love lives. Its just very....awkward. I remember when TheBoy and I broke up once for a couple of months. I didn't tell her because I didn't want to explain everything since it was so over-the-top.

GrizzBabe said...

You know I feel the same way with my mom. We are very close except when it comes to my love life. She knows very, very little and I can tell it exasperates her.

Nancy Drew said...

I told my Mom everything. Then I found out she told my p ervert dad EVERYTHING.

That was the end of that. Until he died. Now I tell her everything again.

Airam said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Airam said...

At 28 I'm JUST starting to feel comfortable telling my parents things about guys I may date.

I blame this on the fact that I had to lie about my 7 year relationship because of religion.

Jazz said...

Aww that sucks, your moms response when you opened up.
That is one thing I'm gratful for. My mom might give out cheesy advice IMO but I know she listens and I go to her amost everytime Josh and I fight.

Life of the Party said...

Haaaah that sucks.

monicker said...

Ouch! That hurts. Definitely stick to getting advice from Dad.

Charm School Reject said...

She's probably just pissed she is just now getting information from October.....

The Accidental Bitch said...

crazy girl city - Still... when she asks, you'd think she'd actually want to hear.

grizzbabe - Hmm, how close can you be without her knowing about your love life? That must be a predicament sometimes.

nancy drew - Ugh, can't trust anyone... and lol at that last part.

airam - I probably wouldn't be forthcoming after that type of relationship either! That's too bad.

jazz - Exactly! If she asked, she should have been prepared to respond, right? Ugh.

life of the party - Thanks for your "sympathy"

monicker - Oh I will. And next time she asks, she may get no version at all instead of the abbreviated one.

charm school reject - Even if she's pissed, she shouldn't be that rude to me. Especially when I'm going through a breakup... the parents are supposed to be the understanding ones! (I guess I should know by now that that's not always the case)

Vix the OEN said...

hahahahaha I love it! I still haven't heard my mother's opinion since the day I told her and she gave me a one-sentence reponse reeking of disappointment--and it's been five months since my break-up.

Welcome to the world of singledom, babe. First bottle of wine is on me.

The Accidental Bitch said...

vix the oen - Don't think I won't take you up on the wine offer. It sounds like we'd both have some good stories to share with that alcohol.

The Ambiguous Blob said...

Wow. Your mom probably gives a shit, but realizes that you don't lean on her for support.
At least we hope she gives a shit.

Spill The Beans said...


As a mom, reading this made me felt bad (although my daughter tells me everything and tells her dad nothing).

But this is exactly why I never tell my mom anything, either. We just aren't close. And, I don't want her meddling in my life. And she annoys the crap out of me.

It's funny, I'm 40 but I can so relate to what you've written here. When I'd go home for the holidays to see my parents, they knew nothing about me. They still don't know. They know the person they'd like me to be far better than they will ever know me.