Thursday, February 15

Best valentine ever

After drinking a good amount of wine, I was on my way to bed last night when I decided to text The Ex. Even though we're not together, we still text and talk a lot. In general, he usually calls me and he had already texted me a "Happy Valentine's day" earlier, so I thought I'd shoot him something. I wrote "I miss you" and went to sleep.

He called a couple hours later and I answered in a daze. "I miss you a lot too," he said. We went through the usual "I wish you were here so we could be together", and even though they were all honest, they were starting to wear me down. Okay, you wish I was there. You want to be with me. How does this help us? After a few more minutes, there was a pause and I started to get off the phone.

"Well, I should probably go back to sleep. Unless there's something else you want to say." I was hoping for some kind of conclusion that would make a repeat of this conversation unnecessary.

"Well actually, yeah there is something else."

"Okay, what?"

"Well, I kind of have feelings for this other girl." My stomach dropped a little, but I wasn't as disappointed as I thought I might be.

"Okay... so...?" What did he want me to say?

He explained to me how difficult this was for him. "I don't know what to do. I want to be with you at some point. I don't want to lose you."

"Well I can't guarantee that you won't lose me," I told him. Just the truth: that's all I could do at this point.

"I don't think I'm going to do anything about this other girl, I really don't think I am."

Great. Was this supposed to be comforting? All I felt was lost: weren't we already broken up? It was easy to be "friends" when neither of us was seriously thinking about pursuing someone else. But now, I realized how much would change if he ended up dating her or anyone else. The text I had sent earlier? That wouldn't be happening. Saying "I love you" at the end of a conversation? Not anymore. Even having a conversation? Sadly, not so certain.

We discussed all this, and he continued to tell me how important I am to him. "Ever since we've broken up, nothing seems to make sense to me. Even interacting with my friends is different. I feel like everything is falling apart and you were the best part of my life. I don't want to lose you as someone to talk to... I love just talking to you."

Whoa. Hold on. Stop the bus. Doesn't that sound a little bit like an "I want you back" speech? So he's mixing "I love you and want to have a future together" with "I might date someone else"?

After we had both speculated about the whole situation and arrived at no conclusion, I simply said "I don't know what to tell you. It's not my choice to make, so I'm just not going to worry about it any more than I have to."

"Well, what kinds of things do you want me to tell you about?" He asked. The classic question we had always debated back when we had considered an open relationship. Where do you draw the line? Do you want to hear about them kissing or falling in love? Or imagine it all anyway? Another question for which I had no answer.

"I obviously don't want you to lie to me, but it's really up to you. I don't want to have to ask, but I'm sure I'll think about it every time we talk. Just tell me whatever you want to."

As the conversation came toward a natural end, he stalled. "I just don't want to get off the phone, because everything will change."

"Well, there's nothing we can do about that." Part of me didn't want to get off the phone either, but a bigger part was scolding myself for staying on the phone with someone I'm not dating when I needed to get sleep. When we got off the phone, he said "I love you" and I returned the favor before falling asleep.

After reasoning through some of the situation today, I still didn't come to many conclusions. Except that I'm tired of dealing with this and that it's pretty unfair to pull me into this decision-making process. Luckily, I've closed myself off from being too vulnerable about it. He's going to date someone if he wants to, no matter what I tell him.

And then I cackled when I saw that I had another facebook message from The Musician:

"hey there, i'm back safe and sound from south america. at the moment i'm on tour in washington state but i'll be back on monday for about a week and a half or so. wanna chill sometime in there?

have fun in the snow!


Airam said...

This guy wants to date another girl yet he's telling you he misses you. Wow, talk about your classic case of "having your cake and eating it too."

Wanderlusting said...

All I can say is thankfully you don't owe him anything anymore. You are single, your own person and you know it now.

Personally, I wouldn't be friends with him, but that's just me. At least, not until you both have properly moved on with your lives. He obviously hasn't if he has one foot in the dating pool and one foot in with you. All these I love yous? Big mistake, even though it may be true.

He also seems like he wants you to still pine after him...

I think you need real distance. You are exs now and yes its hard to end the friendship, but it never was friendship, was it? It was love.

Not to say you won't be friends, of course you can and maybe will, but at the moment I would think the best thing to do is to cut him out of your life...for now. Until you both have properly moved on.

Of course, I say this from my own painful and personal experience.

You'll find out what is best for you.

caramaena said...

I agree with wanderlusting - you need some distance. For a while at least.

Anonymous said...

I agree with the above...but i must say that you have come SO far...good for you!!

pinkjellybaby said...

oh God, get rid of him...sorry get him out of your life! you don't need someone like that messing with your head.. he either wants you or he doesn't

Strange Bird said...

I am in 100% accord with wanderlusting. You'll do whatever you feel you need to, but being friends with your ex is a sure shot to disaster if you haven't given yourself some time off first. And given him some time off, because clearly he is the king of indecision.

I digress. If you keep in touch with him, it will probably get much much worse before it gets better, if it gets better at all. If you don't, he'll still be there to be your "friend" later on when you're ready to revisit that part of your life.

The Ambiguous Blob said...

If he really wanted to be just a friend to you, he wouldn't mention dating other people at all. He tells you so that he feels less guilt about it. It's like he's transferring those feelings over to you.

The Very Reverend Ace Clemmons, Jr. said...

ACK! i call wishy washy!!. not good for you! He wants the best of both worlds- to screw another chik, and to keep you on line.

time to move on.

(stay away from musicians [especially drummers])

the very.

QueenBitch said...

Love the blog can i link ya?

BTW facebook is WAY too addictive!

greengirl said...

Hi, I've just realized that I have'nt got nothing to say. I like reading your blog and it's quite fascinating, especially for person like me who live in country like Poland.

S* said...

Screw him. Not literally. He sounds ridiculously emotionally immature.

BlueLoverGirl said...

You and your ex reminds me of me and the Adulterer - going back and forth and a lot of confused feelings that never get resolved. I feel your pain, sister!

Sean said...

weirdness. who do you think has a harder time making a clean break? and have ya'll discussed that alot?

The Accidental Bitch said...

airam - Yes. He's getting fat.

wanderlusting - "He also seems like he wants you to still pine after him..." I know, it's sooo irritating. And all the other stuff, yes. I know, I agree.

caramaena - Thanks for the input. Wanderlusting is wise.

anon - Thanks, that actually means a lot coming from my readers.

pinkjellybaby - I know, I'm working on it.

strange bird - King of indecision: so true! And I'm really starting (or continuing, I guess) to see it.

the ambiguous blob - I know, if he's just friends he shouldn't feel guilty. But he does and feels like he needs to make himself feel better, even though it's not helpful to me... superb, eh?

the very - Oh I know. I'm not sure that's exactly what's going on in his head (whichever one), but I'm not going to wait and find out.

queenbitch - I haven't been pulled into facebook quite yet. But I dabble. Thanks for the compliment & of course you can link me!

greengirl - I'm glad you enjoy it! Comment any time :)

s* - Maybe about one step below a puppy? Yeah, pretty immature.

bluelovergirl - Thank you! I'm glad someone has experienced this crap.

sean - Oh gosh. We discuss everything a lot. It's getting kind of old, and we still have no answers. So I've kind of thrown my investment in the relationship to the wind, saying "whatever happens happens." It's not in my control, y'know?

crystall said...

He is going to date that other girl or he is already, would be my guess. He's asking you permission basically because he feels guilty. Then he figures when you find out for real, he won't have any explaining to do.

Because you hit it on the head: you're already broken up, so why even tell you? To clear his conscience, nothing more.

Wanderlusting said...

Hahaha, you think I'm wise.


But seriously though, at least you know all this stuff. You know what you want now and aren't afraid to get it. Of course, time heals all and "Breaking up is hard to do" isn't just a clever song title. it even a song?

Songbird said...

Agree with Wanderlusting and pinkjellybaby. Much as it's comforting to keep a link somehow, it's very hurtful. You need a really clean complete break for a few (like 3) months.

After that, reconnect if you want to. You've done a fantastic job of moving on and protecting yourself, but the staying in touch thing is his way of keeping a foot in the door--and it keeps you hooked too.

It isn't kind of him to be putting you in the decision-making spot for his life.

Are you supposed to put your life on hold until he becomes available full time (moves nearby)? That isn't love for you, it's convenience for him.

I tried this with my ex when our marriage broke up. It was more painful than his moving out in the first place. Hard as it was, I cut it off completely.

He's on wife #4 now.

But it was killing me, getting these kinds of calls and info.

Protect your heart, sweetie.

Songbird said...

p.s. sorry for sounding like your mom....

Anonymous said...

Ahhh..I love when an ex-boyfrind makes a statement about a girl that he's kinda interested in JUST to see your reaction. I think you handled it perfectly! Good for you for not acting jealous (even if you were) and not letting him know. Gives The Ex something to think about. From personal experience (and from right now) I think it's damn near impossible to be friends with an ex without it getting too emotionally involved at some point. I think you're doing a great job, but don't do/say anything that will end up hurting you in the long run.
Lisabeth from Iowa

Virginia Belle said...

please, take it from someone who's been there--twice.

he is full of shit. he wants to be with the other girl, but keep you around as back-up in case it doesn't work out. how much more insulting can it get??

cut all ties instantly. run, run, run!!!!

repeat after me: NOTHING good comes from talking to an ex. NOTHING. (have you read what happened to me recently??? perfect example of why you DON'T TALK TO EXES!!)

men are easy: they either want you (and no one else) or they don't. that is the bottom line. sure, he might still love you. but loving someone doesn't always mean you want to be with them. love isn't always enough. if he really wanted to be with you, he never would have let you go in the first place.

women try to make men complicated by analyzing their behavior, when really, men are simple.

it's over. let it die. trust me on this one. stop talking to him.

ambiguous blob and crystall also make good points. that's exactly what he's doing. he's moved on, and you should too.

sorry if i'm harsh, but i have regretted doing the same thing you're doing. just trying to warn you!