Sunday, April 29

All the gossip

I keep thinking that I'm going to write a long, detailed post about what happened. But I don't really want to, and I keep dreading writing about it. I usually enjoy writing detailed, thoughtful posts that are much more than reports. But I'm stressed out because it's the last few weeks of school, and I also don't really enjoy dwelling on what is going on.

So...

After a couple conversations in which The ex-Ex gave me ultimatums (decide right now whether you want to be with me), I was fairly sure that we were going to break up.

I spent a night with The Filmmaker, and we ended up making out as well as sharing a few kisses... elsewhere.

The next day, I felt horrible. I sent an email to The ex-Ex, basically telling him all of the things that had led me to believe our relationship couldn't work. The email was not sweet or evasive. I was firm.

He surprisingly wrote an incredibly long reply in which he told me he wanted the same things and that he thought we could work it out.

I felt even more upset about what happened with The Filmmaker, and told The ex-Ex what happened. The ex-Ex was understandably upset, and yelled at me for a good hour on the phone.

The next morning, I had an email from The ex-Ex telling me that he understood what had happened and might have acted similarly if he had been me.

The ex-Ex and I started talking more on the phone or email, and I made plans to come back for the summer. I reserved a flight to his town at school, for the night before his birthday.

I didn't see The Filmmaker for about a week. He was sick and I was avoiding him or busy. We didn't talk about what happened. I was embarrassed. The Filmmaker's best friend, The Dork, confronted me about what happened and revealed that he still (after 2 years) has feelings for me. The Dork tried to trick me into giving him a detailed explanation of what happened with The Filmmaker. I refused.

The Filmmaker started talking to me online again. I made sure to curb any flirtation from my end. He came to the library when I was working this week and I sat down with him after my shift ended so we could study together. We ended up talking most of the time, catching up mostly. He asked me what had happened with The ex-Ex; I told him. I was surprised at how much less embarrassed I was than I had been before. The Filmmaker didn't seem too disappointed, and said that what happened doesn't change our relationship that much. I was glad.

I was called on Thursday with news that I am a finalist for an internship that I want. The opportunity is incredible and the competition is fierce. I have to submit a taped interview and won't find out for a month whether I get the internship, which is in Los Angeles. The ex-Ex was upset when I told him, and told me that he hoped I would take our relationship into consideration when making a decision. I was angry - but not surprised - that he was being so unsupportive. He apologized later that night and told me that he would support whatever decision I made.

I still only talk to The ex-Ex in ten or twenty minute snippets, either because of his schedule or mine. I always let him call me, because I never know when he will be free and because I am rarely free. We talked last weekend for two hours on the phone and it was great, but since then it has been mostly emails or short phone calls. I am too tired to do anything else or to break up, and I can't tell what I want to do or how I will be able to figure it out.

I increasingly think that I am in love with The Filmmaker, even though I know I can't have a relationship with him.

25 comments:

Ripsy said...

TAB,

Your life is so much more interesting than mine. I am sorry that it's so nuts at the moment. I am thinking that we need to meet up at sometime this summer. I am willing to travel. The dork seems to have gotten cuter though. I however think that the guitarist was far and away the cutest.

Ripsy

P.S. I bought a vaporizer.

Sipwine said...

TAB,
That is so heavy, and I think I'm in the same boat as you.
The man i'm in love with is sleeping next to me right now.
So trust me, I believe you.
QSW

Bridget Jones said...

He expects a lot for a guy who has commitment issues!

Scott said...

Lately it seems as if the Ex is more understanding/sincere.. no? Before he seemed pretty cold, now I am not so sure.

The College Chronicler said...

Good luck with the juggling of men!

Anonymous said...

remind me again why you can't have a relationship with the filmmaker??

DYLAN said...

eesh!

I am not jealous of your position right now! And to be dealing with drama on top of schoolwork cannot be fun...

...why is it you cant be with the filmmaker?

pink jellybaby said...

goodness me, that sounds complicated and stressful. do what is going to make you happy, in the end i know it's hard but you have to think about you and not the other people involved.

perhaps take a break from both of them and clear your head xx

caramaena said...

I'm with pink jellybaby - take a break from both and clear your head.

Good luck with finalling in the internship thing. I'll cross my fingers for you :) Sounds like it would be a fantastic opportunity for you.

Beatrix Kiddo said...

You and The ex-Ex may want the same things from a relationship, but do you necessarily want those things from him specifically? People change over time and you might have "grown apart," if you'll excuse the cliche. You may not love him with the devotion you felt before.

And I may be way off base here, but I think it's a bit fishy that your 'relationship' (or whatever) with The Filmmaker doesn't change after you spend a night with him. This may be his way of telling you that since he has gotten a taste, he no longer needs the whole cake because it comes with a history.

The Very Reverend Ace Clemmons, Jr. said...

Perhaps you have these feelings towards the Filmaker (who i firmly believe is an ass) because the reality is you cannot have a relationship with the guy. The Ex seems unworthy as well. First response to a career opportunity is to whine about the relationship? WRONG! Red flag. Danger Will Roibinson!

Please be in commando mode while reading my comments.

thank you.

the Very

Nicole said...

I really need to go back and catch up cause I am so lost. lol.

Good luck with the internship though.

Heather said...

Yikes!!! Just go with the flow. What happens, happens. And, if you do get the internship then, AWESOME!!! Start all over!

The Ambiguous Blob said...

you're in entertainment, right? and LA is the home of entertainment... perhaps the ex-ex lives in a cave and somehow doesn't realize this.

Alpha said...

I say lose the Ex-EX...
I think you are sad to lose your first love, but that's how you grow up.
I think the film maker loves you and vice versa...
When people truly love, they put the other person's needs in front of their own, so he loves you because he's letting you make your own decisions and wants you to be happy.
Which one will make cuter babies?
:)

Strange Bird said...

I agree with the Very. I don't think either the ex-Ex or the Filmmaker are worth your time. If you had a more solid and stable relationship with the ex-Ex, maybe you should consider your relationship when choosing your internship. But since you don't, and since you're very, very young, try to consider yourself first.

crystall said...

Good luck with your internship! Yay!

And I agree. Ditch the ex-ex because you can't possibly love him if you cheated on him anyways. Have fun with the film maker!

kittenpower said...

that's great a/b the internship!
sucks a/b the men...

Grant Miller said...

You should have them fight. But why can you love The Filmmaker but not have a relationship with him?

Princess Extraordinaire said...

So many boyz so little time......

Miss Devylish said...

Every time you talk about the ex-Ex.. I swear he gets more bi-polar. I feel for your sitch and I hope it all works out sugar.

Wanderlusting said...

Well the fact that you cheated on your boyfriend is a sure sign that you shouldn't be together. But I guess you saw this coming in a way - wearing your sexy pjs for the Filmmaker and having late night meals.

At least you know now. Personally, I don't think you are in love with the Filmmaker either but then again, I only get what you blog. In my opinion, I think you just need some time to be single, find yourself and have fun. You don't need all this crap right right now. You need to think about what you want from your life and future, don't need to be bombarded by boys - cuz frankly, these two are just young boys. You are already shooting past them on your way somewhere.

Martian said...

Were I the ex-Ex, TAB, I think that I would move on.

Amanda said...

Good luck with the internship. Hopefully all of the other boy drama will sort itself out.

Strange Bird said...

And DON'T FORGET! If you end up with that internship in L.A.? The boys here are HOT. You don't want to be saddled down with a Filmmaker or an ex-Ex in that case. ;)