Friday, May 25

The new job

I am a planner. I like to know exactly what food I have in the cabinet at any given time. I like knowing where my dress socks are and exactly which order I should hang the shirts in my closet.

I am also a worrier. I worry that people won't like me, or that I won't get somewhere on time. Perhaps I am a worrier because I am a planner (I worry about plans going wrong?).

Either way, this combination makes me very uneasy every year come March when I have two months of school left before a summer break that hasn't been filled. Where will I live? Where will I work? What will I do? Who will I see?

I begin obsessively watching craigslist in early spring to find out if I can snag an early summer job or internship. This year I applied to any job in New York, Seattle, Los Angeles, or North Carolina that lasted all summer and kept my fingers crossed. By late March, I had a job lined up in the Seattle area.

They called me again to change my job description to something even better than it had originally been. The Thursday before I started, I called my supervisor to confirm my first day and ask a couple questions.

"Okay, so you can come in on Friday, sign your offer letter, take your test, and then start work on Monday."

I stopped pacing. "What's the test?" I asked. I had to take a personality test when I applied; maybe she was talking about that?

"Your drug test," she replied cheerfully.

"Oh, right... how long does that take? I'm going to be driving from a ways away and want to make sure I get there in time."

"Well, if you want, you can just do all that on Monday and start training with ChillBoss when you're done."

"Yeah, that sounds better," I said cheerfully. We hung up and I stormed into The ex-Ex's bedroom, where he was napping. I opened my Internet browser and began frantically searching for ways to pass a drug test. The ex-Ex woke up after a couple minutes and I told him the news agitatedly.

"Well, when was the last time you smoked?" He asked me.

"Monday," I said in despair.

"Oh... yeah, you're fucked."

"Thanks," I replied, then kept searching online for an answer.

After some discussion, The ex-Ex decided I might not be fucked after all. "I passed a test after a week before, you might be fine."

Over the weekend, I:

- Drank a shitton of water
- Took Niacin pills
- Drank cranberry juice
- Didn't wear deodorant (y'know... to sweat it out)
- Exercised
- Bought a $38 drink from a head shop that supposedly cleans THC out of your system

On Monday, I came in and signed my offer letter, then a consent form for the drug test. This is ridiculous, I thought. I'm not only unsure I'll pass, but I'm agreeing to let them take it? After I signed, HR guy said "So do you want to go ahead and take it now?"

I didn't understand what he meant. "Now, as opposed to...?" I couldn't tell what his facial expression meant, but I was pretty sure he wasn't offering to give me another week before taking the test. "I'll just do it now."

I already had to pee, but I couldn't decide if it would be suspicious to pee right before taking my test, which I desperately wanted to do because I had heard that the first two pees after waking up are the most impure. But, the wimp that I am, I drove to the clinic, sat there and waited.

I returned from the drug test, feeling like I was betraying every person I smiled to. Fooling them all into thinking I belonged there. Well, I knew I'd get at least a day's work there. The next three days were all I had to worry about.


Scotty said...

urgh...a cliffhanger..

Moonstone Hippie said...

I've been in the EXACT situation.

You'll be fine. Was your pee neon yellow and did you spark suspicion when you made inappropriate jokes in the presence of the nurse who took the cup away? If not, you'll be even finer than me.

Detox stuff works. No stressing, 'kay?

Anonymous said...

Well I can't say that I've been there, but, my bf's brother smoked like the day before and he did some shit and passed.

My advice: Quit smoking pot. I only say that in a nice way - I've done it, probably way too much, but life is much better off without it.

Princess Pointful said...

I'm in utter awe of the comment above me. I think I'm pretty much relegated to comment limbo where no one will ever find this post!

... but I digress. And have my fingers crossed for you!

I also have a friend who went through the exact same situation, tried about a million different remedies, stressed herself into a near cardiac arrest state, and passed.

socal sweetie said...

Good luck!! Hope you pass your test...

GrizzBabe said...

Whatever happened to going home for the summer and relaxing before the school year starts up again?

Strange Bird said...

grizzbabe-no one does that anymore. ;)

I hate drug tests. I think they should be illegal, actually, unless you perform a job where other people's safety might actually be at risk. It's not really your employer's business, I think, if you smoke pot on the weekends (unless you're in law enforcement. Maybe then it would be a bad idea).

Miss Devylish said...

Wow.. you got that anonymous freak too! I started moderating my comments after I got that twice and once he didn't get published.. poof.. onto someone else. You, I guess. I don't know why they think someone will read it all - it's nonsense.

ANYWAY - talk about biting my lip and dying for the results! I hope it goes well - I'm surprised they still do that around here. Even Microsoft doesn't drug test, which is funny.

And.. hey, since you're in the neighborhood for the summer (barring the worst results I suppose), drop a line. Would love to meet up for drinks sometime sugar..

anandamide said...


dude you said everything i wanted to say....and more !!!

The Accidental Bitch said...

scotty - You love it.

moonstone hippie - lol nice... no I was careful not to joke around. But I brought a book to the waiting area and didn't read a page. That's probably classic nervous guilt behavior...

crystall - Yeah I probably won't quit smoking pot. But I will before I seek employment next time.

And I'm totally deleting the spam comment. Thanks guys.

princess pointful - lol yeah I probably overreacted, but why risk it, right?

socal sweetie - Yeah, I hope I passed too. They never really tell you if you pass it though; just if you don't.

grizzbabe - If you'd like to finance my education, I'd be more than happy to just relax and hang out! :)

strange bird - The ex-Ex actually worked at this company last summer doing something else, and he said that they used to get a lot of unmotivated potheads in there, doing manual labor. So I think that's why they started the drug test. But 1) I'm not a pothead, and 2) I'm not doing manual labor.

miss devylish - Okay, as long as it doesn't turn into something like my accidental date or the creepy guy. Then I'm game.

kittenpower said...

Yes, that's a horrible feeling wondering if you're going to pass or not!

Grant Miller said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Grant Miller said...

Urine samples also should not be too watered down, otherwise they suspect something is up. Or so I've heard.

Ripsy said...

bitch i gave you advice.

Trouble said...

OMG I so remember that feeling. It isn't something I've had to worry about in a long, long time, but yeah...

I remember thinking: "Is a week long enough?"