Embarrassing aspirations

I want to be a filmmaker.

You know how we make fun of the waiters who tell you they're aspiring actors? "They're never going to make it," "If they need to wait tables, they must not be very good." All those things we say about people we don't even know. I feel like that actor. I'm not a waitress, but I'm definitely not paying any bills with my student films. And, knowing that people say these cruel things about people who haven't "made it," I feel like I have to hide behind something more respectable than "aspiring filmmaker."

When I read "The Tools of Screenwriting" on the train, I make sure the cover is facing down. When I tell people that I want to be a filmmaker, I feel like adding on "but I know that's probably not realistic."

I don't know why it matters to me that other people think I am reasonable, that I understand that filmmaking will not be a walk in the park. I don't know why I should feel embarrassed. It's not embarrassing. I want to be a filmmaker.

Mmm Mmm Good

You know what's become a good drunk food for me? Soup.

I thought it was because it's really, really easy to make. You open the can, pour it into a bowl, microwave.

While I was making my soup tonight, though, I realized it's not just due to the ease. While I was eating, I looked down into my bowl, then quickly averted my gaze and thought: it's better if I don't know what it looks like.

And it's easier to not look if I'm drunk.


Anyone else? Would you rather know, or not know?