Saturday, November 10

Embarrassing aspirations

I want to be a filmmaker.

You know how we make fun of the waiters who tell you they're aspiring actors? "They're never going to make it," "If they need to wait tables, they must not be very good." All those things we say about people we don't even know. I feel like that actor. I'm not a waitress, but I'm definitely not paying any bills with my student films. And, knowing that people say these cruel things about people who haven't "made it," I feel like I have to hide behind something more respectable than "aspiring filmmaker."

When I read "The Tools of Screenwriting" on the train, I make sure the cover is facing down. When I tell people that I want to be a filmmaker, I feel like adding on "but I know that's probably not realistic."

I don't know why it matters to me that other people think I am reasonable, that I understand that filmmaking will not be a walk in the park. I don't know why I should feel embarrassed. It's not embarrassing. I want to be a filmmaker.

18 comments:

Dropout! said...

I thought you wanted to be an editor-isn't that pretty realistic?

bigshoulders said...

Don't give up on your dream.

pink jellybaby said...

there's nothing wrong with that at all! it's nice to have something to dream about?

kat said...

Fuck what other people think! If you want to be a filmmaker (and student films definitely fall under that catagory - so you currently ARE a filmmaker) then go for it full throttle. And don't be ashamed or embarrassed about your big aspirations!

Anonymous said...

I want to be a wife and a mother. I have never told anyone, because:
1. I'm afraid it will never happen; and
2. None of my friends would believe me/believe that it will happen for me.

Anonymous said...

You got to have a dream, right? If you do not have a dream, how do you make your dream come true (South Pacific).

Big Momma Pimpalishisness said...

sigh. I understand. I want to be a writer/illustrator and it's the same thing, since I haven't "made it" it's hard to call it my profession, even though i do it every day.

Blue said...

Start to see yourself as that film maker - create that picture on the inside, then you will reflect it on the oustide:)

The Ambiguous Blob said...

You know what? I AM a filmmaker!
But I often omit this tidbit when I'm telling people about me. It sounds frivolous, somehow.
I do it in all of my spare time because I have to have a regular 9-5 job to pay for all of my luxuries (like rent), but I love it most. I don't LOVE my 9-5. But the passion that comes with making movies is real...
I feel ya.

Sipwine said...

God... Anonymous could have been me....
I would have admitted the same thing here, if she hadn't beaten me to it.

BRIDIE said...

Someone the other day asked how my job was going and I said, "It's going well... well enough to keep for a few years until I can run my business full time."

And knowing that my business is connected to the music industry he said, "Pshh, that will never happen."

I was like, wow, thanks a lot. Jerk.

Just keep believing that you'll do it and you'll find a way to!

a giRL liKe mE said...

Follow your dreams!

Wanderlusting said...

I'm now heading into film school (again) myself, but this time for the business side of things (aka producer, though most likely film marketing). It's an awesome program, and everyone who graduates is doing really well in the biz. But I still feel like I will know it when I see it, you know?

Baby steps.

Ms. Cynic said...

Who gives a shit what others think? My dad's had the same aspiration since before I was born, and now, at 44 years old, he's finally made 2 films to date.

Just do the damn thing. :O)

kittenpower said...

we all have to start somewhere :)

The Nonsense of Life said...

Hmmm....obviously, I am agreeing with the "believe in yourself" posts of everyone else, but I want to add that my friend is going to school at the New York Film Academy and she loves it. They have extension schools in LA, Miami, London and Paris. Something to think about...

Girl Vino said...

A life without aspirations is a life unlived. Everyone has hopes, dreams and goals. I hope you make it all the way to the top and beyond where your wildest dreams have taken you. I too, worry about the way I look to others and will do things like hide what I am reading or make excuses for things currently happening with me and mine. Live it up!

Miss Devylish said...

I would agree w/ everyone else and tho it's not yet your career, you're a filmmaker now, I would think. But most of the arts are difficult to make a living at.. doesn't mean you won't.. and it's certainly a lot more exciting than say.. something more 'realistic' like accounting. And that's coming from someone that was once one of those waitress/actors who may not have ever 'made it' but I just finished producing my first play for a friend's theatre company and am thinking about film school. Keep your dreams big, I say.