Friday, December 29

One of those breakups

It was the one night The Ex said he would be back in town, and though we had made plans to see each other weeks before, he was avoiding me. "It's my mom's birthday and I don't want to leave the house," he texted. This irritated me, as I had been in an optimistic mood about our meeting all week. I called him and told him I could just come over and hang out, that it didn't have to be a huge deal.

"I just don't know if I can be around you as friends yet," he admitted.

"Okay," I said helplessly. "I can understand that."

"But... I really want to see you," he continued.

Ugh... "So...?"

"I guess I want you to come over," he decided.

I felt fine until I turned onto his street. When I called him, he texted me to say that he was taking pictures with his family. I parked across the street from his house and held back tears as I looked through the front window to see his entire family posing together in the dining room.

Shit, I thought. Should I leave? I watched as the camera flashed and they all broke apart. I can't leave now; I already insisted on coming and called him. What if somebody comes outside right now and sees me pulling away? How bitchy would it be to convince him to let me come over and then leave and say "Poor me, I can't do this"? Shit. I turned the car off. I looked at the house again and remembered how familiar it felt to pull up to this exact same view.

He called and I told him I was parked outside. "Okay, I'll come out," he said. I got out of the car and promptly dropped my keys on the ground under my car.

"Ahhhh crap," I muttered, bending down to find them in the dark. Actually, I was glad to have a distraction so I could delay looking at him. When I finally straightened out, he was right next to me. We made very brief eye contact, then hugged quickly.

"Hey, how've you been?" We both asked each other.

"Good," we both answered and started walking toward the front door.

... This is where we should be holding hands, I realized. "Is this going to be awkward? Being with your family, I mean?"

"I don't know," he answered. Obviously... dumb question, TAB I reprimanded myself.

"I mean, just... because I didn't know until the other night that you had even told them we broke up. Is everyone okay with me?"

"Yeah, of course, TAB." Great, everyone loves me still. That'll help.

We entered and I said hi to the dogs first, who ran to greet me. Then The Ex yelled to everyone that I was there. His older brother came downstairs and we hugged, then his younger brother and sister came over and hugged me. I said hi to his mom, stepdad, and older sister in the kitchen while they lit the candles on his mom's birthday cake. (I know, big family)

"1, 2, 3... Happy birthday to you," everyone started singing jovially. I barely held back tears while we all sang (seriously, who cries when they sing happy birthday?) I started to sing "dear mo-om" when that part came up, then quickly changed to her name. Soooo awkward, I thought, still not looking at The Ex.

Then as the song ended, his entire family made the most hilarious jokes so that I was instantly put at ease. His mom and I talked, his brothers and sisters told me stories... everything was fine. Except that we were standing two feet apart leaning on opposite sides of the hallway.

As people drifted to the living room, he offered me a seat and we listened in silence to everyone else's conversations. After a few minutes, he turned to me and quietly asked me to go upstairs with him. "Okay," I said quickly, hoping to clear up this awkward tension.

We got upstairs and found that no public space was free, so we invaded his little sister's room. "This is awful," he confessed immediately. "It just feels wrong. I want to put my arm around you or hold your hand, and I can't."

"I know," I agreed. "Same here."

He reiterated that he still wanted to be with me, which made it even worse for him. "Why can't we just live in the same place?" He mumbled dejectedly.

"Maybe we can see each other when we're both in town... I just don't know if now is the time, since this is so new. Especially since neither of us are really free, so we wouldn't even have time to be together."

"I felt fine until I saw you," he told me. I agreed; for a break-up from a 3 year relationship, I had been dealing with it spectacularly. No calling in to work sick, no pints of ice cream, romance movies, or crying. Not even any bad moods really. "Now, when I see you, I miss you. This is why I can't hang out just as friends. I don't want to just be friends."

We were unable to finish our conversation because his sister was coming upstairs, so we tried to find another place. We ended up on a couch in the garage, which was freezing. He said something to me and I nodded, but all I could offer was "I'm fucking freezing."

Frustrated, he brought me back inside where we sat in the living room surrounded by his family. Eventually, we said a few innocent words to each other.

"Oh, is that your new laptop?" I asked. He nodded. "Can I see it?"

He passed it to me and we showed each other a few Youtube videos and chatted. Then I typed in the Internet Explorer address box: "Do you want to talk more at all?"

He noticed a few moments later and wrote "I guess..."

"I really miss you," I wrote.

"I miss you too." He thought for a moment, then: "Do you want to leave?" I pondered, and laughed when he mumbled something and added on: "with me?"

Did I really want to go outside in the cold and talk about serious things, and possibly leave having caused more trouble than I set out to (which was likely, since I hadn't set out to cause any trouble at all...)?

"Sure."

16 comments:

strange bird said...

Oh boy. Hope it ended better than it began!

Venetia said...

I have a feeling we'll be going back to the My Boyfriend is Crazy Blog sooner than we thought.

monicker said...

Oh, my.

Anonymous said...

where is part II of the story???

Nancy Drew said...

oh oh............

Nancy Drew said...

one of the smartest shrinks I ever had said 'never underestimate the lure of the familiar'....

Life of the Party said...

Maybe this is part of why it didn't really affect you when you broke up-you knew it probably wasn't going to last. Plus, you have lots of practice.

Eileen Dover said...

Woahhh..

I was holding my breath while reading that.

Can't wait for the next part.

Airam said...

This will take time.

The Ambiguous Blob said...

relationships are fickle. You never know what's around the next corner.

caramaena said...

heh, ditto what monicker said.

Happy New Year tab!

Charm School Reject said...

I was thinking the same thing as Venetia!

C'est la vie!! said...

Happy New Year!!! U left us like that??!?!?! in suspense...ooh update already heheheh :)

S* said...

Uh-oh.

I'm with Venetia and Charm School on this one.

Don't let the lure of the familiar drag you back into unhealthy territory. :(

Vix the OEN said...

It took over a month before it really hit me that we had broken up--after the fun and novelty of my own apartment and flirting with guys wore off. Then I was just sad as hell for a couple weeks. Now it's nearly six months later and I still have bad moments. I hope you do better!

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