Wednesday, April 4

Because I love digging graves. Especially my own.

So The ex-Ex and I have had a kind of rocky relationship since we've been long distance. To summarize: In our freshman year of college, we had an open relationship for a few months. At the end of that summer, I broke up with him for four months and we didn't talk very much. This October, he asked for an open relationship, we broke up, got back together, broke up, and got back together again.

Neither of us has dated anyone else during these "off" times. He's come close, and so have I. The guy I came close to dating during the open relationship, The Filmmaker, ended up being interested in another girl. After I broke up with The ex-Ex sophomore year, The Filmmaker and I had a couple of drunken make outs/feel-ups, but he then made it clear that he wasn't interested in a relationship with me.

I tried to hang out with him as friends, but he was so unresponsive that I ended up actually feeling bad about myself. So I quit him. I quit calling and pasting that smile on my face when I saw him. I quit him so I could quit feeling boring, unattractive, and needy. I started hating him, because I hated what he had done to me. But I knew that if he suddenly changed his mind, I would jump at the chance to be with him. And every time I was suckered into talking to him, I was reminded just how much I liked him.

I started hanging out with him again this year when his best friend (who is also a friend of mine) returned from abroad. The Filmmaker and I only saw each other once a month or so, but it was no longer a negative experience. At a party one night a few weeks ago, I ran into him and we were both actually excited to see each other after a hiatus of a month or so. When he disappeared from the party, I called him to see where he had gone and we agreed that we should hang out sometime.

Then we talked online and he basically informed me that he wasn't sure if I was worth his time and energy, and that I should make all the effort to be friends with him. I told him he was full of shit and swore him off, resolving not to initiate anything with him.

A couple weeks ago, he ran into me when I was working at the library and we talked for an hour or so before he left to go do work. When he got on Gmail, he messaged me saying he had enjoyed talking to me. You know, as if he was shocked that I could carry an interesting conversation. When I got off work, he invited me over to smoke pot. I went over and we hung out for a while before I came home and went to bed. He invited me over once more last week, and chatted with me on Gmail when we were both online.

This Monday, he asked me if I wanted to have a beer with him when I got off work, so I came over to his place and hung out with him and his roommates. When he told me that he wanted to read my screenplay, we went to his room to look it up. Unfortunately, though, the file wouldn't load on his computer.

"We can go to my room if you still want to read it," I said. "I mean it's only three houses down."

"Yeah, let's do that," he said. We walked over and I handed him the computer. Halfway through reading, he looked up at me sitting in my chair and asked if I wanted to read the parts out loud with him.

"Why?"

"Well, I don't want you to just sit there bored," he said. How considerate.

I joined him on the bed and we read the screenplay out loud. He insisted on playing the voice of the main female character, and we cracked up laughing several times. When we were done reading, I showed him the short film I made last year, and then the video of my surgery.

After that, I had run out of activities. I sat back on my bed and he moved to sit next to me. I was a bit nervous because throughout the night, his arm kept brushing against mine and he kept moving to sit near me. So after talking for a few more minutes, I told him (truthfully) that I should go to bed. At this point it was about 3am and I had to wake up at 8.

He sat up, getting ready to get off the bed, then stopped and looked over at me thoughtfully. "Can I ask you a question?"

"Sure."

"Are there any romantic interests for you here?" He asked.

I laughed a little, thinking of all the two guys I had ever liked at this school and how diseased the other guys here must be. "No!"

"Oh..."

"Why?" I asked.

"Well, I think you're really attractive and nice and interesting, so I was just asking."

Oh. Apparently he had been asking if I had any romantic interest in him; not the other men at this school. I had a flashback of my cruel laugh and realized that he must have thought I was scoffing at the idea of being with him. Considering how much I had liked him over the course of the past two years, I had to clarify.

"Oh, no! I thought you were talking about other guys on this campus. I mean... I have always liked you a lot. This is just horrible timing, since me and The ex-Ex got back together over spring break."

"Ohhh, you and The ex-Ex got back together?"

I gave a regretful smile. "Yeah..." This sucked so hard.

"Is that for sure?"

Ah, such a good question. With The ex-Ex's incredible indecisiveness the past six months, it was still hard for me to tell. But officially... "Yeah, it's for sure."

"Ah..." He nodded. "Okay."

"I wish you had told me this three weeks ago!"

"Yeah, well..."

"Yeah."

He then changed the subject and we chatted for a few more minutes before he left. I quickly got ready for bed (it was 3:30 by this point) and decided to check my email before going to sleep. The Filmmaker was online. I messaged him to tell him that I hoped he would still want to hang out as friends, since I like him so much and really enjoy spending time with him. He agreed.

I then continued to stress how unfortunate his timing was and how much I regretted this missed opportunity. We then started flirting, and he tried to convince me to go over to his room. I, frustrated, informed him that I would not cheat on The ex-Ex. But continued to flirt. Which made me wonder: why I was so interested in The Filmmaker after all he had put me through? Was my interest in The Filmmaker an indication that I wasn't really happy being back together with The ex-Ex?

I finally ended the conversation when I realized how incredibly awful I was acting and how guilty I felt for using my doubts about my relationship with The ex-Ex as an excuse to flirt with another guy. Waking up the next morning, I felt almost as bad as I would have if I had actually gone over to The Filmmaker's room. And then felt even worse when The ex-Ex sent me a cute text.

16 comments:

Strange Bird said...

Sigh. The Filmmaker sounds like a jackass. But that aside, there's probably a reason you're having these feelings... did you and the ex-Ex get back together a little too quickly/easily? You better have made him work for it ;).

Princess Extraordinaire said...

Regrets can hit home hard following any interlude with mixed emotions - just be glad you didn't end up doing anything regrettable with the Filmmaker

Beatrix Kiddo said...

It sounds more like The Filmmaker has a split personality, half of him is nice and attractive and funny, and the other half is an insensitive jerkhole. But don't let your attraction to him make you feel like a bad girlfriend. You were honest and upfront about being back together with The ex-Ex.

The Ambiguous Blob said...

the ex-ex kind of pisses me off.
so does the filmmaker.
get yourself a hot young heir to a fortune, why don't you?

S* said...

*sigh*

I'm with the commenter above me. I don't like the Ex-ex OR the Filmaker. Realize your worth already, girl.

The Very Reverend Ace Clemmons, Jr. said...

both guys sound beneath you. at least the way your write about them, and of course not knowing you.

The Filmmaker is an ass. that is for sure, tho. from a guys perspective.

the very

Heather said...

Ugh...this stuff sounds all too familiar. It's hard though, even though the Filmmaker can be an ass you still pine away. At least you're only flirting, though. Gives you stuff to daydream about during boring parts of the day. What do you think about the ex-Ex though? Maybe you should have a talk, and not be OFFICIAL but casual or something like that. *sigh* Good luck! lol

Grant Miller said...

Romance w/ a "Filmmaker" sounds like future YouTube fodder.

Airam said...

This is a sure sign that you shouldn't be in a relationship with the ex-Ex.

Wombat said...

Are you sure this isn't just an outline for a treatment, TAB?

You wouldn't toy with us like that would you?

Ripsy said...

Is the filmmaker from a european country originally?

emma5 said...

Hey, haven't been on here for a while, really enjoyed catching up. I cannot believe you're back with the Ex, what a disaster! The Filmmaker sounds exactly like the kind of guys I go for, so not good. But yeah, will you blog about how you got back together?

Dropout! said...

Dude.

The Accidental Bitch said...

strange bird - I think the feelings come from the fact that the past 6 months have been so back & forth with ex-Ex. If I was more certain that things would work out, I might be fine. It just takes time.

princess extraordinaire - Yeah, what I did was already regrettable enough.

beatrix kiddo - Yeah, if half of him is a jerkhole, that's probably the part that I should take note of. Anyone can be sweet for 5 minutes.

the ambiguous blob - Please, tell me where all these heirs might be hiding?

s* - I know I'm worthy of something good. I think I've presented a pretty skewed picture of The ex-Ex, so I'm not surprised that a lot of people dislike him. Maybe he'll grow on people, but I generally don't blog about the good things because stories without conflict aren't that great.

the very - Perhaps you think too much of me. What guy sounds good enough for me?

heather - I think doing anything like that would make things even more complicated and probably lead to a serious end to our relationship. Plus, it would just confuse me. At that point, we would be better off just being friends, which would... not work for me.

grant miller - Are you talking about porn movies?

airam - I don't know. I think it's a sure sign that something's still wrong, but it's a pretty awful time to test our relationship.

wombat - lol... no, I hope my fiction writing is less embarrassing than this. Lies on my blog consist only occur when I omit information.

ripsy - You went directly to the source and I now don't have to answer this question. Nap time!

emma5 - No, I'm not going to explain it. First of all, everyone would hate me and abandon me forever. Secondly, I'd rather not write about The ex-Ex unless he shows up in a story I'm going to write about anyway (which I'm sure he will). It's much better to write about my LIFE and not my BOYFRIEND. Y'know?

dropout - Yeah. All of that, with the velveteen touch of a dandyfarp.

Miss Devylish said...

I'm surprised you didn't call him on his past treatment of you. Everyone can change their mind, sure.. but it's like the history of him not being interested before never happened. Or maybe you just didn't write about it.. but for what you say about him, I'm not getting 'trustworthy' from him. He's exactly the type I could see a girl breaking up w/ her current guy to date him for.. and then bam!, he'd change his mind and you'd be screwed. Just my first impression.

Anonymous said...

Your writing is sophomoric and uninspired... and the entire essence of your blog is clearly a rip-off of The Company Bitch.

The idea of you having a screenplay is, frankly, laughable.

You lose.