Tuesday, March 27

The story of Zach Braff

When my friend L came to visit me last year, she was on her spring break. She stayed for two or three days and I planned the entire trip weeks in advance. I took her to a jazz club because I knew that, as a jazz musician, she would appreciate it. I took her to the Shakespeare garden in Central Park because she is head over heels in love with Shakespeare. I made reservations at a hotel that was not too expensive, not too far away from the middle of things...

You get the picture, I hope.

Well, the first night we were there I had reservations for a comedy show. I'd been to the place once before, but this time I had a couple drinks before trying to find it and I lost us (L, S, and myself) on the subway. We missed the show we had booked, so we got on the wait list for the next performance. While we waited, I saucily ordered my drink of the night. Which happened to be a "Screaming Orgasm." Yeah.

I'm sure I flirted with the bartender both to make sure he would serve us alcohol and because he looked like Zach Braff. I had a couple drinks before the next show started and Zach Braff kindly made sure we were at the top of the wait list. During the show, we had to order two items. I, of course, ordered two more drinks instead of realizing that talking back to comedians is not behavior that merits more alcohol.

After the show, we went back up to the bar to hang out with Zach Braff. On the way to the bar, we passed the comedians' table and I, feeling charitable and friendly, told one of them that I had enjoyed his jokes. It felt like when I went to high school plays and told the super cool theatre kids how much I loved their performance - except even cooler because these weren't high school theatre kids. I walked away from the table feeling a bit of a rush. I'm not usually that friendly (it took me six drinks to get to that point).

As I made my way back to the bar (about 5 feet or so), the comedian jumped up and followed me. "What's your name?" He asked. Whoa, I thought. How cool! I'm talking to the friendly comedian!

Well, that novelty wore off much more quickly than he did. When he asked me what my MySpace was (seriously, he did), I told him my embarrassingly generic name and left it at that. When he bought me a drink, I attempted to even the score by buying him one in return. He was way too eager to talk to me, especially considering that he was 36 and I was a 20-year-old with a boyfriend. L, S and I stayed at the bar until the late night show was over, because L and S had been chatting with some other performers who actually seemed normal. However, our plans to hang out after the show were thwarted when it was discovered that we couldn't get into any clubs because we "lost" our IDs.

I went to a creepy bar with the comedian instead. Creepy mostly because he was there, and whoever came with us left me alone with him, which apparently encouraged him enough to put his arm around me. To divert the attention from myself, I said: "See that girl over there? I dare you to go hit on her."

"No, that's okay."

"Why don't you want to hit on her?" I whined.

"Because I'd rather hit on you." Classy.

"But it's just a dare. What, are you afraid?"

"No, I just don't want to," he said, wrapping his arm tighter around my waist.

"Well if you don't, then I will." I broke free from his grasp and hit on a random NYU girl to get away from the comedian.

And then my knight in shining armor, Zach Braff, stole me and my friends away from the comedian and took us to his friend's club. For some reason, I thought it would be a superb idea to order another Screaming Orgasm when we got there. I flirted with Zach Braff, thanked him for saving me from the comedian, and then stumbled down the stairs to the bathroom. When I was done peeing, it was time to go. Zach Braff ran down to the corner to hail us a cab, and as soon as he turned away I threw up onto the curb and my shoes. I was done by the time he returned with the cab, which he paid for and sent us on our way like the gentleman he is.


Well, that was last year. Almost exactly, I'd guess.

This year... I did not plan out Attention Whore's trip. She said the misguided words, "Let's play it by ear," which doesn't work for me because I just end up making up plans in my mind anyway. But because she didn't tell me what she wanted to do and I don't hang out in the city very often, I mentally made plans to go to the exact same places.

Her first day, she wanted to see ground zero and Times Square. Having never been to ground zero, I got lost twice on the way and we ended up in Queens at one point. So... that was embarrassing. Attention Whore pretended that she didn't care, but I knew that she was silently judging me.

After about five minutes of talking, we were pretty much caught up. She's the kind of friend who doesn't have anything to talk about unless she has a story to tell you. And all of her stories are about frat boys. So, after telling her eight times "Stop sleeping with him," I gave up and started agreeing with everything she said, which is irritating because I almost always think she is wrong.

After hearing about every frat guy that wants to get in her pants (seemingly all of them), I steered us to the same comedy club. We sat down at the bar and waited for service. At this point, I realized it might not be a great plan to come to a bar where the comedian might reappear and recognize me. Then again, if Zach Braff was there... I took a look. The bartender had returned to his post but was bent over picking something up. When he stood up straight, I saw that it was indeed him!

"What can I get for you?" He asked politely.

And then I freaked out. I already have trouble deciding on drink orders, and now my former knight in shining armor was here. Did he remember me? How could he; it was a year ago and he probably gets drunken messes in his bar all the time. I could just pretend I didn't know him. But I would still have to order... "Can we get menus, please?"

He brought us menus and I sneaked a few peeks at him while he was making drinks. Yep, definitely him. And definitely still busy looking like Zach Braff. And then I remembered how embarrassed I should probably be. Screaming Orgasm girl? Oh god no. I hoped he didn't remember. I took a stab at conversation with Attention Whore so I could stop replaying my drunken night in my head. This worked until Zach Braff cocked his head to the side and said, "Is your name Accidental?"

Whoa. "Um, yes?" So he remembered.

"Accidental Bitch?"

Okay, how did he remember my full name? Crazy. "How do you remember me?" I asked incredulously.

"What can I say, it was a memorable night."

We chatted and he took a break to sit with me at the bar so we could talk more. I gleefully took the opportunity to ignore Attention Whore. I found out that in my drunkenness, I had given him my email address or something of the kind, which conveniently has my name in it. Hence the remembering. But still... that's pretty damn impressive.

When it was time for the comedy show to start, we left promising to return afterwards. He tried to comp our drinks, but having learned my lesson, I paid anyway.

When we came back, Attention Whore and I ordered another round of drinks. Unfortunately, though, Attention Whore told me that she wanted to leave soon (probably because Zach Braff wasn't giving her enough attention. What a whore). When I informed him that we were closing our tab, he expressed his disappointment and then said "I know you have a boyfriend, but could I get your number so we can hang out sometime?" Then said something about witty texts and a movie.

He ducked away for a second to put a glass away, so I had a moment to let my mind race. He knows I have a boyfriend? Ooooh, he must have looked me up on MySpace. How convenient that I never change my relationship status. And that I don't have to tell him that I have a boyfriend. Wait, so why does he want my number?

"Just give the guy your number," Attention Whore said in that cute, chiding, 'Don't be a meanie-head' voice. Zach Braff was back and I still needed to answer.

"Okay, sure."

I wrote down my name and number, paid for drinks that he again tried to buy, and walked away thinking "Why does this happen right after I get back together with The exEx?"

17 comments:

NeverEZme said...

It nevr fails. Just when you either get back together with your ex or start dating someone exclusive another comes along just as nice and good looking!

Princess Extrordinaire said...

It's Murphy's Law - the minute you get back together with your Ex-Ex they come crawling out of the woodwork..

crystall said...

Hmm, if you don't want him to know you have a boyfriend......maybe you shouldn't have one? Just a thought :)

Beatrix Kiddo said...

It's the never-ending cycle of Feast or Famine. Either all the guys want you at once, or you're stuck home alone, with only your vibrator for company. It's a natural phenomena. Like shooting stars or wet dog smell.

Wombat said...

You're babelicious and a prize, TAB.

PLUS, there's the added thrill that you're a challenge because you have a boyfriend.

That's why he's interested now.

Like sands through the hourglass, so are the men in TAB's life.

Scott said...

Awesome Story... kinda crazy that he remembered your name after a year, and a good thing you didn't run into the comedian again!

Heather said...

That ALWAYS seems to happen, doesn't it?!?!! Makes me want to scream!

kittenpower said...

Nice story. That sort of thing is a given. No one there when you're single, yet when you're with someone they come out of the woodwork!

Wombat---you are funny!

Sipwine said...

Haha... Ok, so I cracked up at Wombat's comment

The Ambiguous Blob said...

Come on, girl. He looks like Zach Braff!!! Get over yourself and your little boyfriend and bang the hell out of this guy. Just don't let him check your ID or he'll be pissed that you were fooling him last year.

Amanda said...

How often does a Zach Braff look-a-like who bartends come along? You definitely need to hang out with him, at least for the story!

monicker said...

You should definitely hang out with Zach.

And leave Attention Whore at home.

Dropout! said...

You forgot that you also threw up on my shoes. And that the seemingly normal comedians gave us weed that might have been laced with PCP. But I guess this is all about you, isn't it.

Attention whore...

SEE YOU THIS WEEKEND!

Em and Cee said...

It's all about the pheromones. I read study somewhere about it.

(And judging on what little I know of the situation, I'd totally pounce on Zach if I were you.)

Cheers,
Em

The Accidental Bitch said...

neverezme - Sigh... I'll refer him to my single friends, I guess.

princess extrordinaire - They should call it Asshole's Law.

crystall - Intriguing. I actually was glad that he already knew. I just get uncomfortable when I have to tell people who are hitting on me.

beatrix kiddo - I wish it was a single feast. Or a couple famine. Sigh.

wombat - You're so kind. I'm a challenge even when I don't have a boyfriend, so I can only imagine how hard this will be for him now.

scott - Yeah, I'm so glad the comedian wasn't there. Whew.

heather - Hey, indulge yourself. And let one out for me, lest the ex-Ex find out what it's about.

kittenpower - It'd be nice if he was actually icky and I was relieved about the boyfriend. But... nope.

sipwine - I didn't laugh, but I blushed a little. What a Casanova, that wombat.

the ambiguous blob - Well, consider this: I'd be not-even-dating a guy who I'd already be lying to. And The ex-Ex looks kind of like Marlon Brando in his earlier years. So I've got enough hotness for 4 women between these two guys.

amanda - Oh yes. I will definitely hang out with him, especially since he already knew I have a boyfriend.

monicker - I think leaving Attention Whore at home is the second part to any plan I make. :)

dropout - Okay it kind of SPLASHED onto your shoes. Get ova it, ho! It's not like I ever spilled a shitload of water all over your bed right before you went to sleep.

em and cee - Yeah that sounds familiar (the pheromones). And... I'd pounce if I was single. This is probably best since I have no clue who he is, really.

Miss Devylish said...

I'm w/ Beatrix.. feast or famine. I'm currently in the beginnings of feast and dining like I've been starved for the last year. It's nice.. but damn. Took long enough.

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