Fo Sho

I think I need to stop talking like a "gangsta" at work.

 

 

... F'realz, yo.

A hole in one

On Tuesday, boss was out all day.  When he came back, Receptionist said "You know what?  I dont think he was out sick or anything.  I think he went golfing.  He looks tan."

 

Later in the day, I heard Creative Insult Guy at Boss' desk saying "So you did all 18 holes, or just 9?"

 

 

This morning, Boss sent an email saying he would be out of the office until noon.  "Boss," I whined, "Are you going golfing AGAIN?!"

 

Creative Insult Guy passed by my desk and whispered "He's going to a funeral..."

 

And that's when I discovered that there is no way to recover from jokes made unknowingly about funerals.  (Ones made knowingly are totally fine, though)

Hey, did you get a hair cut? Your hair looks... well, gone

Wearing a headband and putting my hair up in a clip does NOT make it look like I cut most of it off, Chill Boss.

 

Unfortunately, it DOES mean that i didn't shower this morning...

Because it's NEVER too much information

Dear Creative Insult Guy,

 

Thank you for giving me such stunning detail on why you are leaving the office early today.  I will be sure to let whoever calls for you know that you can't come to the phone because of your explosive case of diarrhea.

 

Sincerely,

TAB

 

PS. The hand gestures you used to illustrate just how bad it is really made my day.

Fine, I admit it: I love when you hit me

The wench came up behind me at work while I was IM-ing with creative insult guy (about how stupid she is, of course) and hit me on the arm.  You know the kind of hit, where you sort of just loosen your wrist and whack the person with the tips of your fingers?  And you know the spot on your arm, where it hurts to be hit that way?  Yeah.

 

"Dude, don't hit me!" I said to her, swiveling in my chair.

 

"It's not like that hurt," She responded while I protectively rubbed my now permanently crippled arm.

 

How exactly do you respond to that?  "By the way, I'm serious"?  I had forgotten to bring my pain sensor equipment to work, so I didn't have any actual proof.  But neither did she.

 

"How do you KNOW it didn't hurt?"

 

"It couldn't have hurt.  Don't be a baby."

 

I messaged creative insult guy.

 

He responded: "Punch her in the face."

Please read instructions before using

L and I were in my mom's Lexus (the fancy kind with the navigation system, not those old crappy Lexus' that don't have those annoying halogen headlights), driving to the grocery store to get some anti-itch cream for L's mysterious rash (which turned out to be an allergic reaction to the sun).

I turned on the stereo to see if I could find any music playing on the radio, and was greeted by harp music playing an interlude behind a man's voice.

"What the hell?" We looked at the navigation display panel. There was a CD playing.

"What IS this?" L asked.

I looked at her incredulously. "You think I know?" I ejected the disc and L pulled it out.

"It says 'Due to the relaxing nature of this CD, please do not play while driving'."

For future reference...

Good Idea: Becoming friends with everyone in the office so that nobody fires you even when they run out of work for you to do.

 

Bad Idea: Window shopping while you are driving during rush hour.

 

Questionable Idea: Starting to drink coffee again because you are bored, then drinking progressively more when boredom doesn't end.

 

Unhelpful Idea: Searching through Craigslist to try to decide what you want to do with the rest. of. your. life.

Hear no evil, See no evil, Snort no evil

My cousin's wedding was on Sunday, and of course - the classy girl that I am - I got wasted and failed to plan a good night's rest.

I woke up at 4:30 in order to get to work by 8am today because the wedding was so far away. The car ride there was immensely uncomfortable, as was changing from my PJ's in a bakery near work so that nobody at work would see me arriving in my night gear.

When IT guy was working on my computer, I came downstairs and loitered near Flamboyant Guy's desk.

"Man, I feel like I'm going to throw up" I complained, feeling light-headed and weak.

"Why, what'd you do last night?" He asked.

I did the "drink alcohol" gesture, while he did the "snort cocaine" gesture.

"What?! No!" I laughed. "Cocaine doesn't make you nauseous."

I paused and we looked at each other for a moment. "Oops... I mean... Cocaine doesn't make you nauseous, does it?"

I'm hardcore

Oh and I drank rum from a shovel in a bucket last night.

A break in the clouds

I had to cover for Receptionist at work Thursday and Friday. Not only did this mean I was doing my job and answering phones, it meant I couldn't ignore The Wench because she was covering my breaks. At one point, she told me she missed me upstairs. I wasn't quite sure how to answer, since I couldn't tell if she was serious or not.

When I returned from my afternoon break on Friday, she sat around for a while until the phone started ringing. She asked me how long I would be staying and then told me "I'm going to put my two weeks in."

I was shocked. How could she leave? Annoying people never go away. "Really? Why?" I feigned concern.

"I'm going back to Alaska soon anyway, and this job is boring."

I couldn't argue with the boring part, and I didn't want to argue with anything else she was saying... "When are you going to tell them?"

"Either today or Monday. Probably Monday."

On Monday I'm going to ask if they need to replace her so I can try to get The ex-Ex a better job than being a food court worker (his current prospect...)

Oops...

The ex-Ex and I went bowling after work last week with Receptionist and her fiance.  We all got some beers, and soon after starting the game began making up little bets each round.

 

Receptionist's fiance started with "If you get a strike, we'll get married this summer."

 

It was mostly betting between the couples, and between The ex-Ex and I, it was mostly betting on rounds of drinks.  Then The ex-Ex got a strike and I had to buy us a round of drinks.  When it was my turn to go, i turned to him.  "Okay, so if I get a strike, what do I get?"

 

"The next round," He replied.

 

"I just got a round, we can't do that again until it's time for another."

 

"Okay... I'll pay for the iPod case you want."  With his discount at Best Buy, he had told me earlier that this would only cost about four bucks.

 

"What?!  No way!  That's so cheap," I whined.

 

"Well, what do you want then?"

 

I racked my brain for an expensive gift. All I could think of was a big fat ring, so I mimed slipping a ring onto my finger.  Half-way through I realized that I was slipping the imaginary ring onto my left ring finger. 

 

I laughed with embarrassment and mumbled "Just kidding!" over my shoulder as I looked for the bowling ball.